© Copyright 2005 Kurt Snyder

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Another Admission

I was becoming more and more psychotic. After I got home, my parents started to suspect that something was wrong with me again. They called my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist told them to take me to the emergency room the next morning, and they could admit me to the mental hospital.

While we were eating dinner, my mom introduced us to some funny looking exotic pears. They were very different from the average pear. I thought to myself, "Maybe they are the result of genetic engineering." Then I thought, "They are so strange. I didn't expect they would be able to manipulate genes that way for many years to come." Suddenly I thought, "Maybe I'm twenty years in the future! Maybe it is actually 2025. Somehow I'm in the future!" I wondered why I hadn't aged at all. I wondered why my parents hadn't aged at all. Why don't I remember any of the previous twenty years? These thoughts did not make me disbelieve the idea that I was in the future, they just made me confused. I thought, "Maybe my parents have been cloned. Maybe these are impostors." I started to look for signs on my folks that would indicate they were not actually my parents. I tried to look for birthmarks, or a mole, or something else that would be different even on a clone. I had never looked for these things on my parents before, so even if I found something like that, I wouldn't have known whether my original parents had those marks or not. I studied them very closely for more than half an hour. Finally, I decided that I wasn't in the future-They must be my real parents!

That night, for some reason, I became very fearful that the CIA was going to break into the house and kill my parents. I would be blamed for it. I stayed awake all night. Sometime during the night, I started to see a strange glowing light. I was lying on the bed, and the light appeared to be projected against the corner of the room where the walls and ceiling meet. It was a warm light with several different colors of the rainbow. There was a bright center colored purple, with orange light diffused around it, and then towards the edges it was yellow. The colors changed gradually to all the colors of the rainbow. I tried to find what was projecting the light onto the ceiling, but I could not find the source of the glow.

As I lay there in bed I started thinking about my ideas on fractals. I thought about iteration and infinity. Then, I started to think about thought itself. I started to examine my thoughts and how one thought leads to another thought. Thought seemed to be like a fractal. One thought iterates another thought. I started to remember my ideas about subliminal messages sent by the CIA through my radio and how they might influence my thoughts. I tried to understand what forces in my mind were influencing my thoughts at that exact minute. It seemed to me that somehow the glowing light I saw was responding to my thoughts. I had the idea that somehow the CIA was trying to influence my thoughts at that moment through the glowing light. I started to think about feedback loops and the looping that takes place in computer programs. I tried again to focus only on my thoughts and how they seemed to emerge from my subconscious. I was concentrating very hard. I began to ignore the glowing light and all other stimuli from the external world. I was focused on my internal thoughts alone. I was trying to see how the subconscious mind influences thinking. Suddenly, I experienced something very strange. I cannot begin to describe it adequately. This was the only time I had experienced this in my entire life. I was trying to shut off the influence one thought had on the next thought. I was trying to break that chain reaction that is your stream of consciousness First, I had a feeling of being overwhelmed by my own thoughts. This was accompanied by a strange noise. Then, it seemed like I experienced two separate distinct thoughts simultaneously. They merged together. Finally, I immediately experienced a total absence of thought for one or two seconds. This was a very subjective experience--I have no other words to describe it objectively. It felt like my mind was not responding to any stimuli whatsoever, either external or internal. I actually worried later whether I had experienced brain damage.

In the morning, we left for the emergency room. The hospital we were going to was located an hour away. This was the hospital that was closest to the mental institution. On the way there, we stopped at a McDonald's to get something to eat. I saw a man at the counter moving very slowly. I wondered why he was moving so slowly. I thought, "My god! Time has slowed down! What have I done to make time slow down? Maybe what happened to my mind last night has influenced the world somehow." We left the McDonald's and I noticed that everything seemed to be operating at normal speed. However, I continued to believe that time had slowed down for the rest of the world. Somehow, we were caught in a bubble where time was flowing normally, but the rest of the world must be in this horrible predicament, where time had slowed down. I imagined that the entire world was moving in slow motion, and it was my fault. I also imagined that somehow, the whole world knew it was my fault.

When we arrived at the hospital, they put me in an isolation room and locked the door.

I wondered what they were going to do with me. I thought, "Some people might think I was god, since I had caused time to slow down." I didn't know how to reverse the process. What could I do? I thought some Christians, believing Jesus was god, would think I was Jesus. What would those people do with me? I thought they might want to crucify me, and test whether or not I was really Jesus. Of course, I knew I couldn't pass this test! I was getting really nervous and anxious. Then I thought, "I really don't know for sure what they are going to do with me. I don't have enough information." There was a male nurse sitting outside the door, guarding me. I thought, he should know more than me. I asked him, "What should I do?" "Relax." He said. I then asked him, "What would you do if you were me?" "Relax!" "Ok. I'll try to relax." But I couldn't relax. I had to escape.

I started to examine the walls of this room. They were all made of drywall. I thought, "I can break through this stuff." I started to hit the wall with my fist as hard as I could. The first place I hit must have been a stud, because I didn't make a dent. The nurse called some other people immediately. Several men came into the room and strapped me to a hospital bed. After they were gone, I easily got out of the straps. The men came back. One of them said, "We keep putting it on, but you keep taking it off! Don't take it off this time!" I didn't realize he was talking about the straps. I thought he was talking about the space-time continuum. Somehow they were fixing the time distortion, but somehow I kept causing it to re-occur. I didn't know how to stop doing it. I said, "I haven't figured that out yet!"

After a few minutes, they came and took me in an ambulance to the mental hospital, which was located nearby. I spent several days there. In the meantime, my mom called the temporary agency and told them I was in the hospital. After I got out of the hospital, I went to report to the temp agency for work....and they fired me.

I decided I still needed to work, so I applied for jobs closer to Annapolis. I got a job at City Dock Coffee, on Maryland Avenue in downtown Annapolis. I worked there for a total of five days until they fired me. I don't know exactly why they fired me. I found that I had problems making easy change for people. On one of the days, my supervisor reported that $40 was missing from the drawer. I actually think she stole it herself to get me fired.

© Copyright 2005 Kurt Snyder

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